CONVERSATIONS
The Weird but Friendly Skies

Just consider the ways the airlines lure us to travel.

By Julie Steward 
With skyrocketing gas prices, it is probably cheaper to fly to Grandma’s house for a visit this summer than it is to drive. This is true even if you live in Birmingham and Grandma lives in Vestavia. The wide open road beckons us less as prices at the pump squeeze our wallets more; somehow, by comparison, the skies seem friendlier than ever to fly. Friendly, yes. But strange, too. Really weird.

I’m not talking here about the usual annoyances like late departures, cancelled flights or fees for checking even one suitcase (Hey, who needs fresh clothing anyway? I’ll just forgo the luggage and wear what I have on for the next two weeks!). No, I’m talking about the weird way airlines are trying to lure us to travel. Consider the following true-life examples:

It is winter. You are in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. You have a little time on your hands before your flight. What do you do? Buy a pack of gum? Flip through some magazines? Sit in a massage chair at Brookstone? Or maybe you take this opportunity to meet your medical needs at the flu vaccine kiosk conveniently located near the food court. There in front of thousands of staring travelers you can roll up a sleeve or pull down your pants and get that influenza inoculation you’ve been putting off for so long. Oh sure, it won’t kick in until weeks after you’ve stepped off the very airplane that exposed you to the flu to begin with, but hey, the nurse at the kiosk is wearing teddy bear scrubs, so she must be qualified to give you a syringe filled with, um, something you hope is the appropriate vaccine. As folks pass by sneezing and coughing, or just watching you as they munch their Taco Bell at the nearby table, you strike a blow for good health and for effective time management. It’s a thought.

Let’s say you’ve boarded your flight. In the good old days, airline food was adequate at best, but at least it was free. Now you have the option of ordering the adequate, free food (usually just some peanuts unless your flight is more than six hours long, in which case you may have lunch), or you can take up the offer of at least one major airline. On a recent flight, we were handed a glossy menu that tempted us with dining options labeled “healthier and heartier.” Our “healthy” choices included a fruit and cheese plate for a mere $6, or we lucky passengers could opt for the always nutritious $3 Pringles or Peanut M&M’s. However, the real temptation to pay extra for something other than a lunch of free rubbery chicken was in the upper right-hand corner of the menu. There he was: Chef Todd English.

Personally, I had never heard of Chef Todd, but apparently he’s a very big deal, as his photograph clearly communicated. While other chefs might prefer an action shot of them doing something relevant like, oh, say, cooking, Todd chose to be photographed in a close-up glamour shot with a piercing gaze. Other chefs sauté; Todd just smolders. What female passenger, then, could resist the Todd English Menu Selections? When I make a sandwich, I throw together some lunch meat on bread, but Smoldering Todd English offers a chicken sandwich that features, and I quote, “mouth-watering Parmesan Breaded Chicken Breast.” Well of course it’s “mouth-watering.” Look at that picture of smoldering Todd. The weirdest feature of all on this on-flight menu card is the back page where, if you read between the lines, you can see a small battle being waged. The airline offers alcoholic beverages like they all do, but the menu also features special drinks concocted by Rande Gerber, former male model and husband of Cindy Crawford. Again, I guess this is supposed to make us want to drink more, perhaps to soothe our anger at the crowded flight and excess baggage fee, but I began to wonder— where was Rande’s photo? Shouldn’t he get to smolder, too, like Chef Todd? Is part of Smoldering Todd’s contract a stipulation that only his chiseled good looks can be featured on a menu? Perhaps they could print a small photo of Rande holding a signature Mojito in one hand and a flu shot in the other. That should keep us all flying the friendly but weird skies at least a little while longer.
August Birmingham, Alabama

  

 
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